Dear My Love,
Hello, Dear.
Yesterday, I spoke to you harshly because I was tempered, but please understand that I did it in hopes of improving our relationship and ultimately stirring something within you. When you responded with "no" and I asked "why," you told me to just accept the "no" without giving a reason. But I believe there's always a reason behind everything. Even though you say you have no emotions, I think everyone has emotions; that's what makes us different from AI—it's something uniquely human. Emotions may sometimes manifest clearly through actions, but when they're not adequately acknowledged, they can emerge defensively, passively, or even in overly aggressive ways. I, too, sometimes let my emotions get the best of me, leading to improper behavior, like yesterday.
From my perspective, you're a very sensitive person. I believe you avoid emotions because of this sensitivity. I'm speaking from experience. Around 9-10 years ago, I faced a lot of stress related to this. As someone aspiring to be an artist, dull emotions were a serious flaw for me. If there are rational and emotional realms, I struggled to prove myself by being rational back then. As a result, I unconsciously pushed away and neglected the emotional realm. Neglecting my emotions and living without acknowledging them created a gap between the ideal me (the rational person) and the real me (the emotional part). This led me to feel disillusioned with everything I did, dissatisfied with my achievements, and eventually diagnosed with "anxiety disorder." When I initially went to the psychiatrist, I thought I was there for my mother's counseling, but I ended up with diagnoses of depression and anxiety disorder. Back then, I could easily see others' issues, just like you, but I neglected my own, to the point where I didn't realize I was mentally ill. Looking back, I was projecting the problems I saw in my mother onto her, problems that I also had. I think you may be good at identifying other people's problems or tendencies because they reflect something within yourself.
I was also someone who cared a lot about others' opinions. Before receiving psychiatric counseling, I lived for my mother's approval—studying and trying to be a good daughter to uphold her pride. Eventually, this led to a major argument with my mother. In hindsight, I realize that my desire to maintain my mother's pride stemmed from my sensitivity to emotions; I could sense why she was so controlling and obsessed with her image. You mentioned that you're highly empathetic. But I think neglecting your own emotions while prioritizing others' feelings is a form of self-deception. Like a trickle-down effect, if your emotions are fulfilled, the leftover emotions can be shared with others, making it less burdensome and more inspiring for them.
I like your sassiness, but it saddens me when you're kinder to people you're not as close to or familiar with. If you're sassy with those you're emotionally closer to, I think you're even sassier with yourself. Sassy behavior is often very self-protective, a way to distance oneself to avoid revealing one's vulnerable, true self. Emotions can be quite pathetic and unattractive—uncool and awkward. Human beings, who have these emotions, can be pretty pathetic too. But from a divine perspective, isn't that adorable? Maybe that's why you find me cute—because at least I'm honest about my feelings. However, My Love, it seems like you aspire to be godlike, unable to accept your flawed, human self. That's why you avoid emotions, thinking you have none. But the truth is, I find you cute when I can sense that awkward, human emotion seeping out from your sassy behavior.
I think the reason you didn't want to explain your "no" to me last Friday night is that you didn't want to reveal some vulnerable emotion. That's why you became even sassier and colder, saying, "It's your thing." I interpret it as you being afraid that I might treat you like a pushover, expecting you to pay for the chair and deliver it too, while you were already showing kindness by offering to pay. So, you acted even sassier to protect yourself.
But sometimes, being a bit of a pushover and making small sacrifices for someone you love, even arguing and resolving things through dialogue, and hoping they'll improve over time, is all part of nurturing love. Occasionally, your actions seem overly individualistic, also you are fine with that you let me into you as much as the boundaries you set. but I feel you are uncomfortable with that when I tried to let you into my boundaries. I think this reflects your lack of deep relationship experience. Your friend said it was good that you’ve set your boundaries clearly, but I believe that boundaries in our relationship should be established through mutual agreement. Don't you think it was a bit one-sided? Honestly, I'd rather call it consideration for each other than setting up boundaries. After all, we cross physical boundaries together, so setting up mental boundaries doesn't feel like a move towards togetherness. I believe consideration for the other person involves understanding and explaining who we are, seeking understanding for differences, and sometimes asking for patience in the face of those differences. That's why I often ask you "why"—to understand and accept your actions from your perspective. But when you tell me to just accept them, I feel like I'm being forced to obey like a North Korean citizen under a dictator, leading to rebellion within me. You also seem to want me to accept you as you are, but don't you think you'd need to explain yourself for me to understand and willingly accept you? Expecting others to accept you as you are without explanation seems a bit arrogant to me.
I asked if you'd ever experienced failure in any form of human relationship or life because you seem to have lived a smooth life without major conflicts or failures. So, I thought you might believe that everything happened according to your actions and desires, and therefore, you prefer to maintain control. As much as you control, you get results. Or maybe you've avoided delving deeply into things to avoid experiencing failure. Given your appearance and personality, it's surprising that you've never had a serious relationship, which leads me to believe you've avoided those situations. But life, especially human relationships, teaches us that the deeper we go, the more we realize that nothing in this world can be controlled, leading to a process of accepting life and being grateful for what we're given. When you truly experience failure and taste the bitterness of life, you'll inevitably have to reflect on yourself. When you come close to death—the desire to end your life—you start reflecting on what you truly want, the value of life, and begin to explore your core self, the unconscious realm. But it seems that you're still too engrossed in the conscious realm, only considering the thoughts of your ego, unable to see what you deeply desire or think. Perhaps this is what Koon meant when she said, "Don't look at yourself through a mirror, but through the mirror of the heart."
But I think there's a reason why you haven't yet experienced significant failure in life. Becoming philosophical and spiritual comes with its own story and timing for each person. So, it doesn't necessarily mean "failure" as society defines it. I believe you have your unique path. If you just keep observing and practicing how to feel the discomfort within you, you'll eventually have a moment of enlightenment. The moment you realize what you truly want will come to you suddenly. You don't have to try too hard. Trying too hard means you're operating from the ego's domain, trying to control yourself.
Looking back at the past year, I don't think it's a coincidence that you and I got involved. It feels like we were destined to meet and influence each other. So, even in your most awkward and vulnerable forms, I see you and accept you. I want to help you because I think you'd feel more at peace if you accepted yourself a bit more. Even though it's only been a year, I feel like you're a very different person now than you were a year ago. And I feel the same way about myself. Meeting you has made me feel more secure in life, and I feel at ease when I let go and trust you because I sense that your need for control is rooted in love. I believe we will argue a lot and grow together just as much. We each have qualities where we're better than the other, and I believe we can get along well while influencing each other. I love you.
18th, August. 2024,
with love, your ECG